Thursday, June 27, 2013


Been having a bit of trouble sleeping a lot recently. Which is ironic, because they just had a Health and Wellness seminar at my job on sleep deprivation.

I am seriously thinking of starting a sleep journal. But I am afraid of what it might show me – the truth. That I need professional help. And that I can’t afford. And then I’ll lose even more sleep thinking about how I can’t pay my sleep therapist. Shit, another never-ending cycle.

So on Thursday evening I skipped my meeting again – Knucklehead. I wanted to get a good night sleep so I could get up bright and early and hit that gym. My favorite class, Derrick’s spinning class at 5:30 AM. I have to get up at 4 AM for that class.

So I skipped my meeting, and then something came up, I forget what now – maybe my kids were making too much noise, maybe something needed getting done at 9:30 or 10 PM. Maybe I had to go to my dad’s house to help pull him off the floor again. I don’t know. All I know is I got like only 1 or 2 hours of sleep Thursday night. So Friday at work I was fried. Deep fried.

Then Friday we had a kid spending the night with my son, and I was like – I need to get some sleep. I am not hanging out here. So I went to my mom’s. And I got pretty good sleep. Like 8 hours.

She has this front guest bedroom that’s done up real cute. Like a bed and breakfast for anybody who might stop by – her sister and brother-in-law, her bestfriend from Santa Barbara, or anyone else really. Ask her, she’ll let you stay! Or it’s for me, if my wife ever kicks me out. Or if we have a sleepover at my house and I just need to get the heck out.

But her room is facing the west, and it gets the most sunlight during the evening there. Especially now, during the Summer Solstice. In fact it was the Summer Solstice the night I slept at my mom’s house. What a loser I am, celebrating the Summer Solstice at my mom’s house so I could get a good night’s sleep.

I should have been at an all-night rave or something. Do they even have those anymore? Maybe in Brasil or Las Vegas. London probably. But not here in Vancouver, WA.

So mom has those shades that you remember from the 1970’s, the ones that you have to pull down real slow because they’re going to shoot right back up, snap! – and knock the whole thing off the window and break shit if you don’t. And so I pulled real slow, and goddamn if it didn’t make my room all nice and dark.

And after reading about 10 chapters of this James Patterson book that I’m into right now (in like 30 minutes, because his books move so damn fast) I was able to crank out about 8 hours of good, deep sleep.

I woke up at 6 AM, had the house to myself. Read my dad’s newspaper. Made some coffee. My parent’s house is real nice in the morning. When they are all asleep. And/or when he is at dialysis.

So that was Friday night.

Then Saturday I slept at home, and had a good night’s sleep.

Sunday though I was up all night again. I had gone to bed at a reasonable time, like 11 o’clock. And then when my wife came to bed she brought her kindle thing and I saw the glare of that electronic device through my eyelids, and it slowly woke me up more and more.

But first I heard her stomping to the room, probably eyes transfixed to her iPhone, I imagine leading a parade of 2 cats and 1 dog. Dog goes into kid’s room. And cats make themselves comfortable wherever the hell they want – on my head, on my feet, purring on Teare’s chest as she reads her electronic device and plays bubble games or whatever the hell it is she is doing with it …

But no! Even before that, I heard her brushing her teeth. In our adjoining bathroom. With the water full on. Brush-a-brush-a-brush. Door wide open. She wouldn’t want the cats to be upset that they couldn’t be with her for a minute or two. Couldn’t have them scratching on our door post – because that would definitely wake me up. Well, guess what? I was already awake.

And then when she did come to bed with the cats playing WWE superstars, bodyslamming from the top ropes, she then turns on her video game contraption, err– electronic reader, and starts doing whatever the hell that thing does for the next 10 to 20 minutes, shining that LCD screen in my shut eyelids as I pretend, hope, fake-it-till-you-make-it, try to get to sleep, looking like I’m asleep, but with my mind running at 80,000 RPM’s – I am wide awake now. Great. There is no way I am getting back to sleep. Thank you very much.

I think I got to do some reading downstairs. I think I finished a movie on the Netflix. But I know I only got like 1 hour of sleep that Sunday night.

Monday night I slept okay. But then on Tuesday I totally kabuki’d myself out and got like only 2 hours of sleep total. What the heck? 

I’m going freaking insane. And this happens always towards the end of the month. Usually right around the time bills are due. Two car payments, insurance, gas, electricity, water, rent, internet, Roku Box, Hulu, Netflix (streaming and 2-mail in’s), iPhone payments to AT&T, sewage … did I miss anything? 

Am I missing anything? Nope, just sleep. 

(Oh yes, I am missing something – student loan payments which are set to double by July 1st. Another thing to keep me awake.) 

So at this Health & Wellness seminar, which was basically just a way for my company to condition its employees for the big Obamacare roll-out in 2014, get the Proletariat used to the government controlling every aspect of our lives, and try to reduce the number of riots that are for sure going to break out. Especially in the deep south.

This is all hyperbole. This is all my cynical-self speaking. Or writing. Or blogging. Or whatever the hell it is I am doing here. Because I would love to have some entity – with literally my well-being at stake – responsible for my actual well-being and the care of my health, rather than some multi-national corporation whose only motive be profit to take care of me. Because, my God, they are surely taking care of us all now. Aren’t they? 

And so at the Affordable Health Care Seminar I was at they talked about, what is Problem Sleepiness? They talked about what causes sleep deprivation …

§  Anxiety? Check

§  5:30 AM exercise class (prescribed by your friends at Obamacare)? Check

§  Excess worry? Check

§  Wife says I snore? Check

§  Excess use of stimulants? Well besides the Jack Daniels and the Certified Legally Grown in Washington Marijuana and midnight shots of expresso, not too much. But I guess I better check this box too … 

They say adults should get 7 to 9 hours of sleep every night. I am lucky if I get 6. Or even just 5. If I get to sleep by 11 PM and have my alarm set for 4 AM to hit that spinning class or that body pump class, I am only getting 5 hours of sleep.

And with kids, and the summertime, longer days (did I mention the Solstice?) and the semi-regular life-interrupting emergencies and everyday worry (thanks, mom!) I can say it’s a fair bet that I am not getting enough sleep at night. I just hope the President does not decide to raise my rates because of that! 

I can think of a good solution, though … Mr. President, you should put in an executive order to reduce the hours in the work week from 40 to 30. For the same (low) pay! 

Just think, we could have 5 six-hour shifts where we get to go home during the day for a siesta and take care of that excess sleep. Or we could start the day 2-hours later to hit the gym in the morning – at a reasonable time! Or we could do 3 ten-hour days and have 4-day weekends, what’s the problem with that?

We would have more time to spend with our children. They would do better in school with our help. We could become a more healthy, more productive society that people would love to immigrate illegally to. And then that would mean more Democratic votes!

Okay, I think I’m getting off track a little here. Think I’ll sit at my desk and get back to work. 

Or take a nap. 

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