Friday, April 13, 2012

This One’s for Dave

and so I walk …
with my head in the clouds, it’s April
out here in Southwest Washington
big puffy white clouds, cumulous and stratus
the stratocumulus and whatnot
Grand Canyons of cotton over my head
Manhattan skylines of fluffy white floating
into the sky, Titanic ships of stuffing
sinking in the horizon under pure blue sky
behind red-tailed hawks circling, surfing
tidal waves of thick clouds and breaking
on the shores, the gray wet clouds ready
to burst vertical watercolor strokes –

there are 4 layers of sky here:
the low puffy white
the grey heavy wet
the thin white high clouds
and the blue sky above even all that

this morning, driving to work I saw
five layers … all that, plus the low
damp fog, driving through
my windshield wipers, sky
down low, tires splashing  puddle
sky in a pothole, wet
Southwest Washington in April

there is so much going on above
my head I barely notice until
its almost too late – a garter snake!
coiled and pissed, upset that I nearly
stepped on him, he hisses …
pointed tongue flicks in defiance
the vertical yellow line like a
twisted road in the mountains, back
and forth, the little guy is poised
ready to fight, upset at my
neglect of attention

it’s April in Southwest Washington and I am reminded
of the snake we caught in my neighbor’s garage last year
terrorizing their 7-year old daughter, another garter
my son and I captured, placed in the plastic terrarium
and returned to the shores of Whipple Creek
I with my bad knee, shaky on my feet
and Riley balancing down by the rocks, saying goodbye
to our slithering friend as we released the serpent
from the container into the wild, holding back tears

or the time Shelly followed me back to my cubicle
stuck to my windshield – a praying mantis, bright
green and beautiful. I kept her stored in my empty
pop container after removing the ice and plastic
straw, another gift from Spring in Southwest Washington
where she watched me work at my desk for the rest
of the day – both of us trapped. And when I drove home
I stopped by the pet store and bought that $14
terrarium to house the mantis. And it was the kids
who named her Shelly while we searched for leaves
and twigs to furnish her new apartment as I explained
her beautiful bright color, her exoskeleton and the fact
that her hands looked like she was praying to a god …

and a month later, when we finally did let her go
both Kiera and Riley were sobbing, saying their goodbyes
to their friend, their pet, their praying mantis –
Shelly, who flew up into the sky, dancing
among the clouds out here in Southwest Washington
the big puffy white clouds, cumulous and stratus
the stratocumulus and whatnot

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

This Started Out a Sonnet

How to connect with my daughter, break through
all that princess pink garbage but still elevate
her self-esteem – is that too P.C.? She does
not need to become subservient to a man,
wash dishes, vacuum the floor, cook dinner,
wash toilets – that’s what her mother’s for
– Joke! That was a joke …

How to have more time in the day
to show your kids the value of priorities
including cleaning, cooking, laundry, hygiene,
and still have time left over for
homework, sports, church, music, reading,
– Something’s got to give …

T.V., internet, blog? There’s not enough time
in a day – and look how old these
kids are getting, how quickly they’re growing up!
Answers: Soccer, Relationships, Cliché
– droll …

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

untitled


Originally published in Leaf by Leaf, Spring 1998, Copyright © 1998 by Sterling Warner – Evergreen Valley College – Simon & Schuster Custom Publishing



whole worlds were lost because of it
spelled out in the grains of sand
forever stretching out above our heads
conjures up such images

it’s where it got me last time
underneath the bridge, diving
those dumpsters behind the pizza parlor
searching for an answer

rain was falling hard that day
I remember, the hole inside
my head, cold wet and blind, rushing to
and waking up inside a cage

it’s where it got me last time
locked up in the rehab
spoon fed, force fed, promises and visions
borders, walls and freedom

whole worlds were gained because of it
spelled out in the grains of sand
forever stretching out above our heads
conjures up such images

Monday, August 15, 2011

Is Adam Sandler Dying?

And does he really make that kind of money? Sheesh …

These are the questions I am left with after watching his 2009 flop, “Funny People.”

Adam Sandler is … is a lot of things, really. I’ve been thinking all morning for the best descriptive phrase as to what Adam Sandler truly is. The sensitive comic. The über-rich, Hollywood insider with a heart of gold. The sad clown. An immature funnyman with a gross sense of humor who is laughing all the way to the bank. A guy’s guy. A chauvinist. An idiot. A fraud. A phony. A sellout. An opportunist. An egomaniac … The waterboy.

He is many things, but the thing that he is most to me is honest. Even when he’s full of shit. Because we’re all full of shit. Every guy. That’s why he’s the guy’s guy comic. But he’s also cute enough and sensitive so that the dame’s might go for him too.

But if you look at his filmography you’ll see it goes like hit, miss, hit, miss, miss, hit, miss, miss, miss, miss, hit. He’s got a lot of misses in there, but only a few hits. So I guess that means he can strike gold if he tries (hard enough and long enough).

But that’s why you have to look at his work, and his individual pieces, in context. Because just look at the list of stinkers … it’s bad:
  • Airheads
  • Billy Madison
  • Happy Gilmore
  • Big Daddy
  • Little Nickie
  • Mr. Deeds
  • Click
  • I Know Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
  • Grown Ups

I mean, that’s an awful list.

But then he’s got some really funny work too:
  • The Waterboy
  • The Wedding Singer
  • Punch-Drunk Love, and now this …
  • Funny People

I mean, “Funny People” did not get good reviews – at all. But I am such a PT Anderson / “Punch-Drunk Love” fan that I really wanted to give this a chance. (And maybe I’m also a closet Sandler fan.) But unfortunately the language in this flick is just filthy – and that is not a good sign for me, it is a hallmark of bad writing – so I had to wait for a time when both my kids were in bed. But eventually I was able to watch it last night.

And what a neat, weird, honest movie that was!

You look at this one I just saw, and by the looks of it he’s hit quite a bit of gold. The character and the actor. The guy in the film is filthy rich, and its pretty disgusting to look at all that wealth and not just totally go, yuck! He’s basically playing himself but with a pseudoname, George. And from here on out, I have to say …

SPOILER ALERT !! SPOILER ALERT !! SPOILER ALERT !! SPOILER ALERT !!

… and the thing about George is that he’s a very successful movie star, making crap movies that kids love (the dolphin-boy, or the boy-dog … that was Sandler making fun of himself and the stupid films he makes – and see that’s why its so difficult to hate him, because he knows he’s making stupid films! And every once in a while he puts out a gem, like Punch-Drunk, or … there really isn’t anything else as good as that. This one was – almost, like the first hour was good like that. But then it became a Sandler movie and we stopped being philosophers thinking about the possibilities of dying and the legacy we might leave behind, and who gives a shit about legacy because isn’t life good enough? Short enough? Precious enough? I mean is it ever long enough for anybody? And where does success stop being self-fulfillment and start being about caring for someone else? And then it gets back to that question about forget it! This guy’s about to die and everything becomes so much more important and vital and precious) and these crap movies have given him everything in the world that you could buy. But he still does not have the one thing that you cannot buy, health. And true love. So I guess that’s two things. But that’s when the movie takes this weird spin and you stop giving a shit for his character and start caring for the Zack Rogen, Seth Rogan, whatever the hell his name is … that character! Because that’s when Sandler learns he does not have the disease anymore. He’s been cured. So then he starts faking people to get the other one true thing that he has not been able to buy, love. And so it’s a weird flick. And it’s not a bad flick. But I did not love it either. I think on a scale of 1 to 5, I would put it somewhere between 3 and 4. (1 being hated it; 2 is I did not like it; 3, it was OK; 4, I liked it; and 5 is Full Metal Jacket-status.) But that’s a good thing we don’t actually have to rank these things that way. In real life, that is. (Even though in real-real life everything is ranked numerically, from 1 to 10.) But this is a good movie. How do I know? Because at 2-1/2 hours I was able to sit through the whole thing and not fall asleep. Which is something “The Gladiator” could not do. This movie kept my interest the whole way through. And so this movie, which could be a French philosopher’s thesis paper, turns out to be a rather mixed bag. Just like who Adam Sandler, the actor/writer/producer, is.

And then if we go back and look at that list of stinker Adam Sandler films, there is a lot there that people will swear by. Especially “Billy Madison” and “Happy Gilmore.” They are both coming of age-style flicks with that immature, grossout Sandler sense of humor that has made him a lot of money. But they both also have a lot of charm with that self-deprecating humor.

And so this movie, “Funny People,” is a success too because it does what it is supposed to do – entertain and make us think at the same time.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

SHOE SHINE BOYS - Cinequest Film Festival 2001

Originally published in the Cinequest Film Festival 2001 program for Cinequest Film Festival 11, San Jose's annual maverick film festival.


It was just supposed to be a harmless prank: Steal the Olympic Torch from local sports celebrity Sue Sue Robinson before she is able to make the relay. Then Eddie and Matt, a. k. a. Johnny Murder, can hold it for ransom under the coverage of the entire world's media. A sure shot at instant fame. Only one problem – Mrs. Robinson won't let go, and Eddie and Matt end up with a hostage in one of the worst comical foul-ups ever. First-time director Mikki Allen Willis wrote, produced, and directed this incredibly hip and stylish comedy of errors. Described as "a black comedy by white trash for all colors," Shoe Shine Boys explores the American desire for fame and the lengths to which people will go to finally be recognized. Featuring Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf (of The Howard Stern Show fame) as a registered sex offender, and weaving the story through a series of flashbacks, Willis delightfully directs this dysfunctional film as it builds to a momentous ending. –Ian Caton. "Absolutely brilliant! ... I love it. This is one of the most unique American films I've ever seen!" –Martin Landau. "Hilarious and disturbing!" –Daily Variety.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Will Not Pay $$$ to be Considered for Publication in your Journal

I see this time and again, and I don’t know what the answer is. It’s a little disheartening if you ask me. To have to pay a submission fee to be considered for publication in some journal. To pay a group of editors a reading fee. To be part of that Ponzi scheme, that you might consider putting my work in print. I just won’t do it.

I don’t have the money, there’s a recession going on, I am not one of the top 2%-ers that gets to skip out on paying taxes, and I’ve got children to feed, my wife is going to school, we are a 1-income family, and it’s getting time to start thinking about new school clothes for the kids next fall, plus with the price of gas nowadays, I just refuse to pay to have you consider if my work is suitable for publication.

I’m not even tithing at my church right now, and you want me to pay to have you read my stuff.

I see it all the time, a Call for Submissions, please include SASE plus $12 reading fee. Or in lieu of paying the fee you can purchase a half dozen of our issues on back order. Please make checks payable to Scheme, Ponzi – C/O: your work is not good enough to read without being paid to do it.

But there’s still no guarantee we will publish your last short story. Please remember, we always take extra consideration for alumni submissions. The Legacy Author is one we hold in high esteem. Or if you’ve ever been on the New York Times Sunday Book Review, or had a reality show on FOX, or been fired by Donald Trump, or slept with John Edwards, or had any sort of brush with fame which might increase our annual subscription rate – have you ever danced with any stars? – we just might be able to improve your chances of seeing your work in print.

But I make it a point, that I will not pay to have you consider my work for publication in your journal.

I know we all have to make a living and that money does not grow on trees and that just because you are a non-profit organization, it does not mean your CEO should not have a take-home pay of something in the 6 figures. Everybody’s got to eat! And my baby needs new shoes. But I just won’t pay your reading fees to have you consider my work for publication.

Call it chutzpah, or pride, if you will. Maybe it’s my false sense if integrity. Maybe its my strong moral fiber reinforced by years in the Boy Scouts, the Small Catechism, confirmation at 15, years at Private School, and my Judeo-Christian upbringing. Or perhaps its just pure arrogance, but I refuse to pay you anything to have you judge whether my work is suitable for publication in your journal. Plus I just haven’t got the $$$.

And so that’s why I continue to write here on this blog.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

Untitled

Originally published in Reed Magazine 2002, A Journal of Poetry & Prose, Vol. 55. Copyright © 2002 – San Jose State University



and the drip, drip, drop
of the drops from the sky
so grey and so clean
sends shivers, my spine
(and) i’m with you in this dream
as together we lie
bearing our souls so naked
and imperfect
how i feel so warm
so pure and so blue
as i breathe it in deep
your red and your pink
the scent of the salt in your ocean so wide
take me out to sea
with the tide, won’t you take me out to sea?

and the drops, still they fall
gently tapping on my brow
dripping now this moisture, sweat
as damp turns to wet, so profound
these feelings that i have for you
how can i begin to explain this kind of love?
the ocean’s deep
and so it’s wide
the ocean’s deep and so it’s wide
you can not ever stop the tide
and my love is like that ocean